People from Miami love to look good. People from Pittsburgh have no idea how to look good. People from Berkeley think that looking good is bad politics. I'm a woman who feels guilty about simultaneously loving to look good and not giving a shit about how I look, and who fails to pull off any "look" whatsoever without spending too much money on clothes I'll likely just drop ice cream all over. So instead I shop at Target. And then feel guilty about that, too. In short, I'm a style schizophrenic.
If I could, I would press a "Pause" button on my life, step back, and figure out how *I* actually feel about the whole business of identity, style, and substance. There are so many (social) voices in my head about the whole style game, I'd like to just pare them down to one - mine.
And that's exactly what I plan to do. First by joining a group called The Great American Apparel Diet, in which I vow to not buy any new clothes from September 1, 2010 to September 1, 2011. This probably sounds intensely insane and scary, but to someone like me, it feels more like a forced creativity that will spice up my own sense of personal style. My hope is that if I can't run off to buy the next cheap piece of crap that will "finally" fix my crap wardrobe, that I'll then be forced to confront my wardrobe as it is, and come up with new ways to feel comfortable in the clothes that I have, somehow, chosen for myself.
What is particularly compelling, and difficult, about this challenge is that I have a really small, weak wardrobe. A few pants, a few sweaters, a few shorts, some t-shirts, two (yes two) blouses, and a handful of dresses, plus a jacket and a coat (both unnecessary in Miami), one pant suit, and one dress suit. This is because I often purge clothes that I decide don't look good on me, which tends to be almost everything, and then binge on a new (cheap) set of clothing that I believe look better. Rinse and repeat.
But since this challenge isn't really supposed to start for another month, I am tempted to go through my wardrobe to make sure I have enough "basics" to last the entire year, especially since I am beginning my position as Assistant Professor at a private university where people dress up a bit.
Thing is, I don't really want to. I'd rather, instead, take what's ripped or wrong about my wardrobe to a seamstress to fix and focus my energies instead on other aspects of my "look" - that is, how to dress an outfit up or down to fit the occasion. My hope is that in being forced to become more creative, I'll also be forced to pay more attention.
I assume that one of two things are likely to happen: I'll either become comfortable with the fact that my "style" is one of not really caring beyond "Clean, Casual, Comfortable" and end my bouts of anxiety about one day becoming "that girl" with the super nice wardrobe that I take meticulous care of. Rationally, I know that I'm not that girl, and that I'm just clinging onto fantasies of success and happiness that I know to be false. But still, it would be nice to let my unconscious mind in on that rational thinking once and for all. OR This process will make me aware enough of my choices to realize that I actually do have preferences (a disdain for blouses in likely) that go beyond the three Cs. Maybe a third path will carve itself out, one I can't really predict at the moment. A year without shopping is a pretty long time.
We'll see. For now, I'm planning to get in touch with a seamstress that I know and get my wardrobe in a fully functional place. Then I'll organize my accessories, and take it from there.
I'm excited.
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